Flawmio's Six Commandments of Shopping

Well hello again. I am Flawmio, the Far Lazier And Way More Imprecise Omnivore, which may shed light on the fact that the Tuesday Special has become the Thursday Special.

Today's entry (or entreé... ha ha!) deals with grocery shopping, an integral part of successful cooking. As my old uncle Ghoulzio would say, if you don't do the shopping, you can't ace the chopping!

Here is the way I shop, and the way you should shop too:

1. Park your car near a shopping cart pavilion, but not too close. Supermarket parking lots usually have a slight topographical grade to them--the store is almost always constructed farther above sea level than the road--and you must always be careful not to leave your car in a vulnerable position. You don't want a rogue cart, with or without an infant baby passenger, careening across the pavement into your shiny new paint job. Then again, you do not want to park too far away from civilization, like my dad does, as that's just a big inconvenience. Some grocery lots are many square miles in area, and you don't want to disadvantage yourself by making the journey too long. Shopping is no cakewalk; your attitude must reflect this at all times, beginning with the initial parking job.

2. Appropriate a fully functional, sturdy, noiseless cart. According to a recent study, 64% of all grocery shoppers select carts that have at least one squeaky, stiff or non-circular wheel. Don't become a statistic.

3. As bulletpoint number one implies, shopping is a fiercely competitive business. There are some parts of the store--hot regions, if you will--where your supermarket savvy and inner strength will be tested. And as a subscriber to The Very Lazy Vegan philosophy, you need to make sure you take the time and consideration to select the right ingredients.



One hot region is the produce aisle. You will notice an uncanny degree of congestion around the fruits and vegetables. I have my theories as to why this is; perhaps it is the pleasant odors that pervade the area, or maybe the refreshing mist by the herbs and lettuces in which you can bathe your face. In any case, space is tight, and positioning is everything. The proper way to select a fruit is to plant your cart slantways among a large group of people--taking care to obstruct all public mobility--and then stand before the offerings judging each item carefully. Assume a wide, robust stance. Take a fruit/vegetable and hold it up to the light. Run your fingers all around it. When you've done this for long enough, you might consider bagging one and taking it with you, but only if you feel especially good about it, in a very metaphysical way. We don't choose produce; produce chooses us. Other people, vultures and schemers, will be hovering around you, nudging you and clearing their throats in a suggestive manner. Be sure not to let these things distract you on your mission.

Eventually, leave the aisle.

4. As you push your smooth-sailing cart around the store, you should be sure to take some items off the shelves at your leisure. While you do this, be sure to operate your cart in creative, efficient ways. If you get a running start you can step onto the lowest bar on the cart and ride it like a lawn mower; you can also negotiate turns with one hand and use the other to wave to a friend. Feel free to leave your cart in random places while you explore the lesser-traversed regions of the store. Some regions are better shopped on foot, with a basket or just your hands. Remember, versatile minds make for the best Lazy Vegans.

5. Keep a keen eye out for free samples. These are usually found in the busier parts of the store--on the counter of the deli aisle, again in the produce section, sometimes with the cheeses--or close to the checkout counters. Be sure to try every sample at least three times. It is important to develop a taste for all the delicacies of your market, and also it is rude to turn down food that someone is boasting of. Some people's jobs consist solely of coaxing you to try their new and exciting morsels. Spurning them would damage their morale.

6. In the checkout line, the cashier will ask you for your discount card, which you probably will not have. Odds are you forgot it or you never had one to begin with--Lazy Vegans don't have time to sign up for that nonsense. But that's okay--tell her that you do have it, but you just left it in your car/house/pocket. Give her a sly but convincing smile. She will grunt gibberish words and type her code into the machine, magically erasing some $15-30 off your bill. Hooray! Then she will ask if you would like paper or plastic. Assuming you forgot your collection of tote bags too, simply tell her you don't need bags at all. Pile all the items back into your cart and make your way to the parking lot, where your car is waiting at a convenient-but-not-perilous location.


Of course there are many other rules for making the perfect shopping trip; what you have read here are just the bare essentials. Flawmio's Six Commandments of Shopping, if you will. Check back next week for more insight on other semi-related matters.