Flawmio's Wednesday Mini-segment: APPETIZERS TO WATCH

I stood at the kitchen counter eating a whole grapefruit. Initially I had thought it to be rotten; it had been sitting in the catacombs of my fridge for the last two and a half weeks, and part of the yellow skin had turned brown. But it was only a speckled, birthmark-like brown, not a furry or malevolent brown, and so just as I was about to toss it into the trash I reconsidered.

"Here, I'll just open it and settle this once and for all," I told myself. Miles Davis and John Coltrane played their trumpet and saxophone, respectively, in the background. I took my sharpest knife and sliced it vertically, and saw a flawless thicket of golden pulp. Then I cut it sideways and got the same result, and finally carved it one more way, to make six perfect juicy wedges. Don't judge a book by its cover, friends: the grapefruit was still good.

I took my box of Domino sugar and poured it all over the grapefruit, then began the feast. I had a sore throat and could not believe how good the grapefruit's copious, tart discharge felt when it flooded my esophagus. With each piece, before plunging it into my gigantic mouth I dipped it into my plateful of sugar particles that had missed the first time. By the time I finished the entire fruit I was crying tears of intense, bitter joy. O Grapefruit! There was stickiness on most of the exposed parts of my body. Juice ran down from my forearms to the insides of my elbows, from my mouth down my neck, onto the floor.

I paused to catch my breath, wishing I had another. I recalled a fruit stand three blocks away. This would be a night to remember.

You are What You Eat, and Some People are Rude

The VLV has a (possibly hazardous*) habit of checking her email on her walk to work. This is why, on Wednesday, she walked in to the office in a sour mood: the first thing she read, bleary eyed and at the corner of University and 17th, was an accusing link, emailed by, well, someone. No greeting, subject, or explanatory prose.

Simply this: teen vegetarianism is linked to eating disorders. And apparently,

“Many young "vegetarians" continue to eat the white meat of defenseless chickens (25% in the current study) as well as the flesh of those adorable animals known as fish (46%), even when they are butchered and served up raw as sushi.”

(Side note: fish are not cute, except for Nemo, and no one can eat him, for obvious reasons.)

In a very thoughtful change.org post responding to the study, Julie Neumann brought up the following subtle, and crucial point:

“In a society that encourages inhaling mass-produced junk food on a daily basis, conscious eating is rare. Very few people actually contemplate what they put in their mouth or how it will affect their body. Such blind consumption contributes to a slew of health issues, including an obesity, heart disease and diabetes. To be aware of where your food came from, to consider the impact it will have on your body, is exceptional. At its best, this attitude leads people to adopt a vegetarian diet. At its worst, this awareness contributes to a destructive mental illness.”

Food for thought. After all, we literally are what we eat.

*The VLV had a college professor (also here,) who claimed that the best way clear a path for oneself and avoid the dodging, we-both-move-left, we-both-move-right game when walking through crowds of oncoming strangers is to not make eye contact. The on comers, invested in not slamming into an oblivious person who walk around looking at their toes, will then steer to one side allowing the toe-gazer to continue straight along her charted course.

Of note for those who want to try this at home: at the time of this lecture, the professor in question was 6+ feet tall, and had a clown’s fro of gray curls.

Also of note: To minimize hazard and the ever-present bruises on her legs, the VLV asks you to please not try this in Union Square between the times of 8am and 9am on week days, as she will be walking through and checking her email. The hazard-free success of the no-eye contact strategy depends on one party (you) trying to make eye contact.

Old Dan Tucker's Marinade

A good way to cook meat or tofu:

marinate + steam-fry

A. Slice your meat/tofu in bite-sized pieces and put them in a bag or bowl. Add:
1. Soy sauce
2. Olive oil
3. Vinegar
4. Mustard
5. Pepper
6. Salt
7. Honey
8. Sesame seeds
9. Nutmeg
10. Ginger

B. Shake it up

C. Put it in a frying pan and cook it at about 60%. Cover that shit up with a lid or a big plate and in 8 minutes it'll be done.

D. Good things to eat it with: broccoli, potatoes, sweet potatoes, onions, asparagus, mushrooms, cauliflower, rice

E. Flawmio says: Oh hello. It is best to cook this dish while listening to old-time folk music. My mother Nastio used to play the fiddle while Uncle Ghoulzio served this one up. As a young boy I would perch at the table tapping my feet, scrutinizng a word-search, while she played and Ghoulzio crooned:

Old Dan Tucker was a fine old soul,
Buckskin belly and a rubber ass-hole,
Swallowed a barrel of cider down,
And then he shit all over town,

Marinade! Old Dan Tucker,
Marinade! Old Dan Tucker,
Marinade! Old Dan Tucker,
Came too late to get his supper.