Don't You Call My Bullion Bluff

“How lazy IS the Very Lazy Vegan?”

Them be fighting words. And, coincidentally, the very words spoken as a carton of vegan bullion cubes were placed on my desk.

The vegan is pretty lazy, but she’s also creative, and she has a brand image to protect. So, this weekend she set out to do something with the bullion cubes. Here’s what she did. Please note:

1. the ease of recipe
2. the immediacy of response

 

Vegan Bullion “Glop” Soup

1 can chickpeas

1 small onion

1 cube vegan bullion

.25c olives (or less)

.5 can chopped tomatoes

2 c water

 

Cut onion. Dump all ingredients into a pot. Cover, turn heat on high. Cook until chickpeas are mushy. Blend. Ta daa. You are done.

 

Failure. Big, Purple, FAILURE.

Being very lazy, the vegan did not post last week. For this she is truly, deeply sorry. For this she will atone. 

However, in her defense it was a very busy week, what with the usual laziness and then simply HAVING to finishing the first two books in the Twilight “saga”—vegetarian vampires anyone?  

Anyway. In the spirit of atonement, this week’s story is about failure. Awful, stinking failure. It’s about confession, and hardship, and heartbreak. Okay, well maybe not heartbreak. But definitely failure… 

You see, long, long ago—on Friday—and far, far away—in Chelsea—the Very Lazy Vegan got it in her head that she wanted to bake an eggplant. Why? Well, gentle reader, that is a very good question, one for which I have no answer. Maybe she was craving potassium, in anticipation of the banana epidemic. Maybe she was going through nicotine withdrawal. Either way, she was determined to Bake an Eggplant. 

After procuring her eggplant (I’ll spare you the details,) she set about getting acquainted with the object of her project. Baking, with onions, mushrooms and tofu in some red wine and olive oil provided her with an innocent enough start, although it took a little while (tip: if you try this at home, make the experience friendlier for your inner impatient vegan by covering your cover your pan with aluminum foil) and yeilded some very chewy, rather falvorless eggplant. 

Emboldened by her first "success" and still in possession of half an eggplant, she set her sights higher: a roasted eggplant/tofu soup—something like a liquidly babaganoosh. 

Rather than consulting a receipie, she decided to wing it. After all, what's so hard about roasting an eggplant? And that's all babaganoosh is anyway, right? 

Wrong.

In the spirit of atonement, and with the best interests of humanity at heart, I will now share with you the recipe for Eggplant Failure. May it never be repeated again. 

Ingredients:

1 small onion, chopped

.5 block of tofu

.5 large eggplant

.75 cans of sliced olives (oh! the bad ideas!)

olive oil spray

1tbs garlic powder

some water 

Begin (or, rather, please don’t begin,) by slicing your eggplant into thin pieces. layer them with as little overlap as possible in a baking pan. Spray with olive oil spray (just a few squirts, don’t get carried away,). Add a little bit of water, and all of the olives and garlic. Cover with aluminum foil, and bake for .5 hr. Get impatient. Take foil off, and broil, on high. 

While becoming impatient, combine tofu, .5 c water, and raw onion in blender. Blend until smooth.  

Once eggplant is cooked (not brown, just very, very soft,) remove from pan. Add eggplant and olives to the blender with tofu and onions, and mix. Mix, mix, mix, mix, mix. And ta daa! You have the most disgusting, eggplanty goo to ever ooze across the East Village.  

Saturday Night in Flawmio's Kitchen: WHERE THE PARTY IS AT

What I am about to share with you is the very best dish that I know how to make. As usual it is an original recipe. And while Flawmio's first post was on the comical side and the second leaning toward idiocy, this third installment is a serious matter.

The dish is called "Burritos" and it is quite simple to make absolutely delicious. Those who were in attendance at the Sanders House Poughkeepsie Murder Mystery New Years Celebration '09 can vouch. I usually make them with chicken, but one can easily make it VLV friendly by just substituting tofu. For our immediate purposes we'll call the meat "chicken."



Things you'll need (these portions make 4 burritos to feed 2 very hungry people, or 5-6 burritos to feed 3 not-so-hungry people):

1. "Chicken" (2 "breasts")
2. Rice (Yellow or white, Basmati works really well. Brown not so much.) (1 cup)
3. 2 Red vine tomatoes
4. 1 Onion
5. Black beans (1 can)
6. Lettuce
7. Grated cheese (I actually don't make it with cheese but normal people generally use it.)
8. Tortillas
9. Spices: salt, pepper, cumin, garlic, Tabasco sauce, ginger
10. Oil and vinegar

The procedure:

1. Boil water and pour the rice in when it's time.

2. Slice the "chicken" into cubic pieces, roughly the size of those little blocks of toffee. Put them all in a frying pan and pour oil on them. Coat the "chicken" with all the spices, going heavy on the cumin and light on the ginger. When that's all set, fire up the burner at about 80%.

3. While this is happening, finely chop the onion and tomatoes. When the chicken is about halfway cooked, pour the beans (make sure all the liquid is gone!) into the pan and keep it cooking at 80%. Pour a little vinegar in there. (If you are using real beans, i.e. not out of a can, skip the vinegar.) Stir it all around. When the chicken is pretty much cooked pour the chopped onions and tomatoes into the mix. Turn the heat down to about 50%.

3a. This is the time when you would sprinkle some grated cheese into the pan.

4. Stir it for a little while. When the onions are getting to be caramelized you can turn the heat down to low and place however many tortillas you're going to eat on top of the frying pan. This heats up the bread and traps some of the warmth while you're waiting for the rice to finish.

5. Chop lots of little pieces of lettuce to put in your burritos.

6. When the rice is ready, you're all set! Spread the tortilla on a plate and put some rice, some of the meat/bean/vegetable medley, and some lettuce in there. Wrap it up and devour it.

Note: Salsa is absolutely not necessary and liable to ruin it. There will be a natural "chicken"-bean-tomatoey juice from the stirfry which is the key element to making this stuff taste great. Enjoy!

Flawmio's Six Commandments of Shopping

Well hello again. I am Flawmio, the Far Lazier And Way More Imprecise Omnivore, which may shed light on the fact that the Tuesday Special has become the Thursday Special.

Today's entry (or entreé... ha ha!) deals with grocery shopping, an integral part of successful cooking. As my old uncle Ghoulzio would say, if you don't do the shopping, you can't ace the chopping!

Here is the way I shop, and the way you should shop too:

1. Park your car near a shopping cart pavilion, but not too close. Supermarket parking lots usually have a slight topographical grade to them--the store is almost always constructed farther above sea level than the road--and you must always be careful not to leave your car in a vulnerable position. You don't want a rogue cart, with or without an infant baby passenger, careening across the pavement into your shiny new paint job. Then again, you do not want to park too far away from civilization, like my dad does, as that's just a big inconvenience. Some grocery lots are many square miles in area, and you don't want to disadvantage yourself by making the journey too long. Shopping is no cakewalk; your attitude must reflect this at all times, beginning with the initial parking job.

2. Appropriate a fully functional, sturdy, noiseless cart. According to a recent study, 64% of all grocery shoppers select carts that have at least one squeaky, stiff or non-circular wheel. Don't become a statistic.

3. As bulletpoint number one implies, shopping is a fiercely competitive business. There are some parts of the store--hot regions, if you will--where your supermarket savvy and inner strength will be tested. And as a subscriber to The Very Lazy Vegan philosophy, you need to make sure you take the time and consideration to select the right ingredients.



One hot region is the produce aisle. You will notice an uncanny degree of congestion around the fruits and vegetables. I have my theories as to why this is; perhaps it is the pleasant odors that pervade the area, or maybe the refreshing mist by the herbs and lettuces in which you can bathe your face. In any case, space is tight, and positioning is everything. The proper way to select a fruit is to plant your cart slantways among a large group of people--taking care to obstruct all public mobility--and then stand before the offerings judging each item carefully. Assume a wide, robust stance. Take a fruit/vegetable and hold it up to the light. Run your fingers all around it. When you've done this for long enough, you might consider bagging one and taking it with you, but only if you feel especially good about it, in a very metaphysical way. We don't choose produce; produce chooses us. Other people, vultures and schemers, will be hovering around you, nudging you and clearing their throats in a suggestive manner. Be sure not to let these things distract you on your mission.

Eventually, leave the aisle.

4. As you push your smooth-sailing cart around the store, you should be sure to take some items off the shelves at your leisure. While you do this, be sure to operate your cart in creative, efficient ways. If you get a running start you can step onto the lowest bar on the cart and ride it like a lawn mower; you can also negotiate turns with one hand and use the other to wave to a friend. Feel free to leave your cart in random places while you explore the lesser-traversed regions of the store. Some regions are better shopped on foot, with a basket or just your hands. Remember, versatile minds make for the best Lazy Vegans.

5. Keep a keen eye out for free samples. These are usually found in the busier parts of the store--on the counter of the deli aisle, again in the produce section, sometimes with the cheeses--or close to the checkout counters. Be sure to try every sample at least three times. It is important to develop a taste for all the delicacies of your market, and also it is rude to turn down food that someone is boasting of. Some people's jobs consist solely of coaxing you to try their new and exciting morsels. Spurning them would damage their morale.

6. In the checkout line, the cashier will ask you for your discount card, which you probably will not have. Odds are you forgot it or you never had one to begin with--Lazy Vegans don't have time to sign up for that nonsense. But that's okay--tell her that you do have it, but you just left it in your car/house/pocket. Give her a sly but convincing smile. She will grunt gibberish words and type her code into the machine, magically erasing some $15-30 off your bill. Hooray! Then she will ask if you would like paper or plastic. Assuming you forgot your collection of tote bags too, simply tell her you don't need bags at all. Pile all the items back into your cart and make your way to the parking lot, where your car is waiting at a convenient-but-not-perilous location.


Of course there are many other rules for making the perfect shopping trip; what you have read here are just the bare essentials. Flawmio's Six Commandments of Shopping, if you will. Check back next week for more insight on other semi-related matters.

...Ponderings from the Arm Chair of the Lazy Vegan

First, a note of thanks, extended to my dear friend FLAWMIO. Your Tuesday posting was truly somewhat innovative, and much appreciated. 

And now, on to other things. 

First, in case you're wondering what the Lazy Vegan Arm Chair looks like, click here. And no, I don't know that dog. 

Profound thought: 

Food is strange. In and of itself, it is simple. A little exercise from my SAT days for illustration:

Car:Gas as Human Body:Food

But then, we humans aren't so simple. Food is fuel, and then some. It's politics, sex, style (watch out, this opens a PDF; and hey Mom: raw food ain't so new), and an excuse to sit down and talk. 

Michael Pollen is collecting people's "food rules" on a NYT blog. If you have some time to burn, check it out here. Food rules... an interesting concept. 

Being the Very Lazy Vegan, I lack both time and attention, so I only read the first page of replies to Pollen's request. Here's the (only) nugget I found:

Apropos of what your Russian Jewish grandfather used to say, my own (same gene pool) was happy having a bathtub of chicken soup for dinner, with just a little bit of vegetables and microscopic amounts of chicken. My grandmother, his wife, was a tremendous baker. And for the Sabbath, when she made her famous babka, you were never sure if it was a ‘cake’ or a ‘bread’ because she only used enough sugar to give you the illusion of it being sweet. TOO SWEET was never an option in her baked goods. Probably as a result of being poor (which is why we all grew up drinking coffee w/o sugar!) coupled with the depression, then food stamps during the war.

So, I use little sugar in my baking.

And another prevailing philosophy of mine is this: Eating is not a sport, and food is not its equipment. I eat when I’m hungry and need a meal, not because the food is staring at me or because it’s “something to do when bored.”

I’m also not fat. :-) and have never once eaten in McDonald’s. Not once in my 55 years.

Ellen

— Ellen

Go Ellen.

The Tuesday Special: Manfood with FLAWMIO

Not a vegan myself, I am nevertheless pleased and excited to be here contributing. In the interest of parity I will provide the vegan alternative to any blatantly unvegan recipes I post. In the spirit of TVLV's moniker, it may be appropriate to refer to me as the Far Lazier And Way More Imprecise Omnivore, or familiarly, Flawmio.

Without further ado, tonight's featured recipe:

SOMEWHAT INNOVATIVE PROTEIN FRENZY

Things you'll need:
> ground beef or turkey (substitute TOFU or something else that vegans substitute)
> onion
> red or green pepper
> spinach
> coconut milk
> pasta
> peanuts
> raisins
> soy sauce
> oil
> ginger, salt, pepper, sesame seeds if you have them

First you assume the position in front of your stove. Do you have the oil? Put the ground meat/tofu/whatever in a frying pan and stir-fry it with some oil. Then when that's brownish chop up the onion and red/green pepper coarsely--big pieces are the key--and throw it in. Douse it with soy sauce, ginger, salt, pepper, sesame seeds, garlic if you want. Throw the raisins and the peanuts in now. Then after that's been cooking for a while--cook it at like a highish medium flame--pour in the coconut milk, or regular milk if you don't have coconut milk, or an egg white if you want. An egg white would be fine with the milk as well. Unless you're a vegan, that is. We're still cooking on a pretty high flame, mind you, but make sure those onions aren't getting all crusty. If that's happening you need to turn it down.

Next we have the remaining ingredients, spinach and pasta. Now start boiling the water for the pasta. When the water is boiling, that's a good time to put the spinach into the meat/nonmeat concoction. Also, turn the heat down to pretty low. Of course you don't want to put the spinach in until now because it'll wilt and all the vitamins will leave the leaves, sort of like the warm and toasty feeling disappears when you take too long to drink your coffee. It just mysteriously gets cold.

When the pasta is done, drain it and dump it in with the rest of it. Everybody in the pool! Stir it all around and keep it cooking for another minute or so. Afterwards, eat it.

I think that carrots would be good for this dish too, and broccoli, if you've got all that. All in all this dish is very southeast Asian, although I don't know specifically where it might be placed since I really honestly don't know anything about cooking.

From the NYT...

Cupcakes, anyone? 

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/08/magazine/08food-t-001.html?ref=magazine

Also, life without eggs:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/08/magazine/08food-t-000.html?_r=1&ref=dining

Quinoa and the Kitchen Sink

Four Facts About Quinoa:

1. For a grain, quinoa has a very high protein content (12%-14%)
2. It’s pretty complete, as far as a protein goes. For humans, Quinoa has a balanced set of amino acids
3. It’s is a good source of dietary fiber, magnesium, and iron
4. Quinoa is out of this world, or at least may be soon. Quinoa being considered a possible crop in NASA's Controlled Ecological Life Support System for astronauts on long-duration manned spaceflights

Bonus Facts:

It’s fun. And it comes in different colors (red, white, etc.)!

Quinoa is a beautiful, blank canvas of a food. Mind you, that’s not to say it’s bland, or boring, or in any way resembles a cardboard box. Rather, it is a food full of potential! No matter how you prepare it, quinoa’s texture will shine through—the perfect  balance of delicate and hearty, and ultimately satisfying.

Quinoa can swing so many ways, and The Very Lazy Vegan invites you, gentle reader, to create—and share—your own interpretations.

If, however, quinoa’s lovely little curls leave you uninspired, here are two concoctions The Very Lazy Vegan has not only created, but (amazingly,) cooked:

Kitchen Sink Quinoa

These happen to be the ingredients I had lying around; any veggies will do, although I consider the onion to be key.

1c quinoa

2c water—maybe more

2 carrots

3 sticks of celery (yes, celery. Don’t worry. By the end it won’t be crunchy)

4 scallions/ “green onions”/chives

1 onion

.5 block of firm tofu

A couple pinches of ground red pepper

3 tbs bragg’s (or soy sauce)

1 tbs mustard

Start by cooking the quinoa. Put it in a pot, add 2c water, crank up the heat, and cover. Then furiously wash and chop the carrots and celery, into small pieces. Add as soon as they are chopped. Chop up the onion, and toss that in. Cut the scallions into small pieces, and add them as well. Cube the tofu, and add it in. Next, add the red pepper, soy sauce, and mustard. Mix it all up, and keep it covered. Turn the heat down after it boils, and wait for all of the water to be absorbed. If the quinoa grains seem to be uncooked—they should uncoil, and be a little mush—or if your celery is still crunchy, add a bit more water and cook till you’re convinced it’s done.

Cinna-crunch Quinoa

2c quinoa

4c water

1c raisins

1 small apple

1 onion 

Salt to taste

Combine quinoa and water. Bring to a boil. Chop apples and onion. After water boils, add onion, apples, raisins, cinnamon, reduce heat, and cover. Cook until quinoa is done, and apples are soft.

"red" lentil soup, with a twist

This was a hit with the kasina soup collective today. And these people like beer, so they must be authorities on soup. 

 

Lentils: 1 c red dry is preferable. 2 cans suffice, if your local grocery store doesn't carry dry

Celery: 2 stalks

Carrot: 1, not peeled. But wash it, please.

Onion: 2 small or 1 large white onion

Tomato paste: .25 c

Garlic: 6-8 cloves

Water:3 c

Veggie broth: 1.5c

Olive oil: .25 c

Black olives: 1 can

Thyme (dry): .5 tsp

Lemons: 2, .25 c lemon juice

Chop the celery, carrot, onion and garlic into small pieces. Combine with oil and tomato paste in a large pot, and cook on high until soft (about 10 minutes). Add the broth, water and lentils. Bring to a boil, and then simmer until lentils start to break down. Salt and pepper to taste; add more garlic (powder is fine) if necessary. 

Take about .75 of the soup and run it through a blender. Stir back in remainder of unblended soup. Add lemon. Cut 8 olives into quarters and toss in. Top with remainder of whole olives. Enjoy.

Without Further Ado, The Lazy Vegan Début: Indecisive Wimpy Coco

Another reason I am vegan, “wimpy” hot coco, and an ingenious (albeit not naturally vegan) invention.

Herein lies an often overlooked reason to be vegan: indecisiveness. Tonight I ate at Curley’s Vegetarian Lunch (my favorite “Lunch” in the entire world,) with one of my favorite people in the entire world (dubbed “M,” for now). Going to Curley’s always makes me appreciate the decision-making speed of my usual omnivores dining companions. I have it pretty easy—there are usually two things on the menu that I can eat, and one is easily eliminated due to the fact that it contains raw celery, or bland tofu, or something equally undesirable. Meanwhile, my poor friends must read, process, and ponder pages upon pages of options! I encounter this challenge only when I go to Curley’s, or some similar establishment. I inevitably end up in awe of omnivore alacrity.

Anyway. Before going to Curley’s, M requested a stop by the City Bakery. She had read about their acclaimed Pretzel Croissants, and was dying to try one. After the experience, I hereby dub Pretzel Croissants an Ingenious Invention. Here’s a vegan croissant recipe; apparently Earth Balance does the trick. To evoke the pretzel-esque experience I suggest:

1.      Fearlessly implementing the Pretzel shape—where few croissants (and even fewer VEGAN croissants) have gone before

2.      Adding the requisite seseme seeds

3.      Not undercooking. Pretzel Croissants are crispy on the outside. This is an opportunity to exercise patience and control if, like me, you are impatient and have a penchant for raw dough… 

 M also ordered a small cup of City Bakery’s famous hot coco.

We settled down at the bar (former breakfast counter, complete with a milkshake maker,) where I ordered a lovely glass of red wine, and the bar tender revealed the secret of City’s hot coco: it’s literally melted chocolate. Yes, that’s right boys and girls. Melted. Chocolate. Bars. And a teensy weensy bit of milk. Here’s a tip: if you ever go to City Bakery, but don’t feel up to the task of imbibing pure chocolate bar, ask for it “wimpy.” They add milk. Of any kind. Even soy.